In theory, it all started with postpartum depression. But now I realize that it started even earlier - in childhood. I had too many expectations of myself: I had to be strong, independent, deliver great results, be the coolest, and smartest, know everything, and be able to do everything. I had a plan - I had to get married, have children, and make money. But when I gave birth, I suddenly realized that I didn't really want any of this. And that's how I became acquainted with the concept of "depression."
I realized that I was absolutely unprepared for the role of an adult woman, including a mother. I wanted to be a regular young girl, but I couldn't afford to be in college.
ABOUT DEPRESSION
It all started with anxiety attacks back in my university days in Prague. These attacks were caused by situations when I couldn't solve a problem. For example, an exam or visa problems. I checked the stove or iron 67 times. It was difficult for me to leave the house. But I didn't even consider seeking help back then. I thought it was shameful not to be able to cope on my own.
Many years passed. We graduated from university in Prague and moved to Cyprus. We - that is me and my husband. Cyprus is his homeland. It was there that I gave birth to Kolya. When they brought him to me, I was shocked. No, I liked him, and I was touched, but love didn't happen. Then we were brought home. When I got into a routine with the baby, I felt suffocated. It seemed to me that I was dying. Everyone around me was alive, including my husband. I couldn't go anywhere alone, I always had strollers and pacifiers with me. Everyone spoke to me in the plural form: you went, you peed, you pooped. As if I no longer existed as an individual. Many still think that I am exaggerating, but I really wanted to get rid of everything related to infancy. It was terrible, truly terrible. Kolya slept poorly until he was two years old. My anxiety reached its peak. I couldn't sleep when he slept because I knew he would wake up soon. I worried when he wasn't around, but I couldn't sleep with him either. I think my lack of normal maternal instinct was replaced by anxiety.
Before, I thought I was an absolute extrovert - that I loved people and loved spending time with them. But when I had a child, I realized that I didn't actually want to spend a lot of time with anyone. Until the age of 26, I spent many hours alone every day. As it turned out, I was comfortable with that.
I realized I had a very strong postpartum depression when I thought that if someone knocked on the door and asked me to give up my child, I would have given them away. That's when I realized that my state was not normal.
I found a psychologist when Kolya was about a year old. She began to break down the theory of my life that I got from my mom - the theory in which I had to do so much. The psychologist told me that according to some studies, it's enough for a parent to spend quality time with their child for just 18 minutes a day. I thought - how can that be? I should be adoring him, crying with sadness that he's growing up so fast. And yet, I was happy every time he grew up because I could throw away things he outgrew.
When Kolya was 4-5 months old, I went back to work. Work saved me. There were other people there, and I didn't feel guilty for not spending time with my child. But at some point, I realized that I wasn't resting. I was tired at work, and then I was with Kolya at home.
When Kolya was 7 months old, I found a nanny whom I could take him to 2-3 times a week for a few hours. Usually, during those hours, I just slept. When I got used to the nanny and her presence, I started going somewhere and doing something.
By the way, it was during this period that I became more active on the internet. I started openly writing about postpartum depression, my relationship with my mom, and my relationship with my husband. I wanted to learn to express my thoughts better in words. I was already pretty good at it, but I wanted to be even better. I wanted to challenge society - to talk about things that no one talks about.
ABOUT FOOD
I've always loved to eat! Gradually, I realized that I wanted to connect my life with food. One day, my friend Maria and I were walking down the street and we saw a Mexican restaurant. I went in and left my phone number. After some time, they called me and I started washing dishes for them. That's how it all started.
Later, I started working at Wagamama. There, I caught this feeling that this is where I was supposed to be my whole life - to be close to food. Sometimes, you spend your whole day doing something, even if it doesn't bring you much money, but in the evening you come home and realize that this is how you were supposed to spend your day - you are in your place.
And then I came to a restaurant where I found my teacher. He will go down in the history of my life as my guide to the industry of my dreams. This is Dean, the head chef of the red pepper restaurant. I worked with him for two years. And it was strange, but absolutely true - love.
ABOUT MYSELF
I have always valued and loved myself. Yes, there are times when I don't like how I look, or how I take care of my body, but I don't like to look at myself in the mirror often. I still love myself. By the way, this is thanks to my mom. She raised me as a person who should value herself. Although, on the other hand, she never stops criticizing me. And it really hurts me. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. But that's her problem. I've decided not to let it affect me.
Interestingly, my husband has always loved me for who I am. I still can't get used to it.
COVID
And then COVID happened. There was no work. I had to come up with something. Slowly but surely, I came up with what I have now.
During the pandemic, I watched people around me and how they coped with stress. I came to the conclusion that only those who can adapt to the situation survive. Those who don't complain, don't overthink but adapt.
My pandemic result is "Eating with Rita." The idea for these masterclasses came during COVID. I'm afraid that I'll burn out in the future. That fear exists. Every time I sit down in front of the paper to come up with something new, I'm afraid that I won't be able to come up with anything more. But so far, it's been coming. And there's a queue for the classes. So someone needs it.
ABOUT HAPPINESS
Around the age of 29, I realized that I was absolutely happy – I had a child, a husband, a loving job, and a relationship with my husband. This feeling has been with me for four years now. That's the goal of my life – not to let it go. Not to miss the feeling of happiness. I think people often misunderstand the feeling of happiness. They think it's a feeling of euphoria. But I think happiness is a permanent state. Sometimes I overload myself and forget or lose that feeling inside. But in the evening, I'll eat something delicious, drink wine, go out on the veranda, and think, "How awesome!"
There's an opinion, or rather an urban legend, that many talented people create only from a state of depression. I don't know. I don't believe in it. Personally, I was only able to move on to something new when I became happy. That is, I came out of my depression, found happiness for myself, and only then was able to leave a completely comfortable environment for myself – in food. I don't find energy in unhappiness, in suffering. Rather the opposite. My energy comes from my biggest passion – eating. Well, and my biggest love – Kolya. And my husband!
