CANCER
I've had issues with my thyroid gland since I was 13 years old. I was a very creative, delicate, and sensitive child and teenager. When my parents divorced, I struggled to cope with it. During a routine check-up, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and was prescribed hormones. However, I didn't take it seriously and decided not to do anything about it. And so it went until 2018.
In 2018, my father passed away. We hadn't spoken for many years. I was waiting for a significant reason to reach out to him, but I never got around to it, not even for my move or my wedding. I always thought that I had the option to connect with my father. But suddenly, it turned out that I didn't, that this conflict would never be resolved.
My father passed away from cancer. My mother and grandmother also had cancer, but they recovered. I decided that it was a sign to go and get checked in Moscow, just in time for my birthday. I thought that if I died during the operation, at least I would celebrate my birthday with my friends in style, soaking up their love.
AT THE HOSPITAL
As soon as I arrived in Moscow, I went for a consultation at Onko 62 [Moscow City Oncological Hospital No. 62], and they helped me, but the atmosphere there was heavy because many people there die. When I arrived at the hospital, I began to understand the seriousness of it, even though thyroid cancer is considered the easiest and most treatable. The surgeon examined my thyroid and said that I needed to be monitored constantly and keep in mind that I was at risk. Or have one lobe of the gland removed.
I wasn't worried about the scar on my neck, but I was scared. It felt like someone was going to cut my throat, like in horror movies. And of course, the other basic fears before surgery. At Onko 62, we agreed that I would come for the operation after my birthday.
The day of the operation arrived. Everything was quick and technical. But the surgeon who was supposed to operate on me after the examination said that my entire thyroid gland needed to be removed. There was no time to discuss it, and the operation was scheduled for the next morning. I decided to listen to him. I didn't want to have a repeat operation if subsequent tests showed cancer cells in the second lobe, damage to the parathyroid glands and voice loss were among the contraindications.
AFTER THE OPERATION
At first, I could only whisper, and it was scary. But I knew that my voice would have to recover, and even if it stayed low, that was okay. So I immediately wrote to everyone that everything was fine. Then the surgeon came and said that the operation was difficult. They had removed both lobes of my thyroid, which was dangerous because other glands were nearby, but in the end, they managed to do it well.
Right after the operation, I started to go out. I went to cafes with my friends, and we even went to an exhibition featuring my favorite artist, Frida Kahlo. The doctors advised against it because I could slip on ice and fall, or someone could bump into me. But I covered my scar with a special plaster, took painkillers, and went everywhere, met everyone, and led an active life.
REHABILITATION
The question was whether I should take radioactive iodine. It burns off any remaining thyroid tissue, and healthy people can't be around those who've taken it for up to 5 days. In the end, cancer was found in both lobes of my thyroid, in the first stage. This means that the surgeon did the right thing by removing both lobes at once. The council of doctors decided not to do the radioactive iodine treatment, although some doctors disputed this because of the risk of a recurrence. But it's been three years now, and I'm under observation and everything is fine. If the first five years go well, then it's considered that the risk is gone and you can have check-ups less frequently, once a year. At first, you have to be observed every three months, then every six, and after three years – once a year.
DO YOU KEEP TO YOURSELF A LOT?
My surgeon, a completely ordinary man, not an esoteric or a guru, asked me: "Do you keep to yourself a lot? Do you not express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions? Do you internalize everything?" I replied: "Yes." He said: "You'll have to change your entire life after the operation, otherwise, you'll be back to get something else removed. Because all the introverts are our clients." I completely changed my life.
When I got home, I said to my husband: "Don't be offended, I'm sorry, but I'm going to express everything I think to you. Not from a position of disliking something, but from a position of being hurt or upset. Before, I would have stayed silent and gotten angry, but now I'll tell you right away."
At first, my husband was taken aback, but he supported me in everything. I think these changes have strengthened our relationship and given it even more depth. I am grateful to him for his caring and support, always, in sickness and in health.
SELF-CARE
Over the course of a year, I learned how to take care of myself and listen to my own needs. And I am still learning. I wasn't taught to take care of myself from childhood, it just wasn't the norm. It was better to work hard and not lose your job. But money and work are replaceable resources, whereas health, as it turned out, is not always so. If you don't have your health and energy, you won't have work or money either.
Now, I take care of myself. I go to a psychoanalyst. I get a massage every week - on Mondays for my body and face, sometimes twice a week.
FRIENDS
This is a separate, huge chapter. Everyone was very supportive and helpful. I felt and still feel like it was a moment from Harry Potter when all of his loved ones stood by his side, holding hands. That's how I felt, that I had huge support behind me, that my husband, my parents, and my friends were standing with me. Even now, in difficult moments, I close my eyes and go back to that feeling, when everyone was supporting me, like my patronus. Yes, I can conjure a patronus, can you?
EXPERIMENTS
And I also became more open to experiments. Whatever I wanted to do, I do it right away: travel, get a tattoo, cut my hair short, and learn to be a coach and a sexologist. With my education as a theologian and friends from the same institute, I thought they wouldn't support me, but on the contrary, everyone did. I left a stable job with a good position and went to study. I pay for my education with my own business. I allowed myself to rely on my husband financially. It was not easy for me. I like to rely on myself.
NOW
Yes, there are days when I don't like my appearance very much when I have to swell from the thyroid hormone when I don't feel like taking photos or meeting someone because of how I look. But even without the thyroid hormone, everyone has such days. My energy level is completely different after therapy. Of course, I should have started taking it as a teenager. I even got a tattoo of energy - a lightning bolt, like Harry Potter's. There are traces of wear and tear on my body from the thyroid hormone, but that's the lesser of two evils.
I wouldn't be the person I am today without this story. I won't belittle or simplify it, it was difficult and painful at times, but I went through these difficulties with a smile and am grateful for how much better I have learned to live.
Special thanks to the doctors and nurses of Onko 62, my mom and grandma, my husband, and my friends. My final word: cancer can be beaten.
