Divorce is like a thrill ride called "How to Live Many Lives in One" - everything changes faster than you can keep track of and document. It's no coincidence that they say it's a small (or not so small) death.
Separation is a process. After so many years in a relationship, you are inevitably intertwined and involved in each other's lives on all levels. And after the breakup, you have to start from scratch with household, emotional, mental, and physical processes, without the involvement of another person.
When we made the final decision to get divorced, no one believed it. We had been living for so many years, riding each other on emotional swings, that it had become commonplace. Like, we were just this fun, temperamental couple. I still find it difficult to explain what exactly served as the final trigger, but there was a clear realization that this time - it was definitely the end.
At first, it was very scary because I wasn't well adapted to adult life.
We had an early and long marriage in which I lived easily and carefree, not thinking or worrying about anything. For 12 years, I didn't pay a single bill and didn't even know how to do it. Not because I'm so infantile (although that's certainly a part of it), but simply because there was no need - my husband always took care of it.
Another thing - I have a daughter. If I were alone, I would probably worry less. When you're alone, it's easier to settle for less and lower your comfort level. In a situation where you are responsible for another person, that option simply isn't available.
But it turned out that you can learn everything, and quickly enough. Our fears, when we face them in reality, turn out to be much less terrifying. It's typical for people to dramatize and imagine that everything is much more complicated and worse than it really is.
I went through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining. I fell into hatred, rage, doubt, pity, and resentment. I cried constantly. In general, it was an exhausting and difficult period. The support of close friends and therapy were a great help. I don't know how I would have gotten through it all without my friends, parents, and psychologist. And of course, work also kept me focused and concentrated.
When you live in constant tension, you start to perceive it as the norm. And when it all ends, only after some time do you begin to let go.
You start to have the strength to analyze and understand that you lived in some sort of hell that you yourself created and held onto. Not because the other person was bad and you were good - you both created it, and you both chose to live in it for some inexplicable reason.
It became much easier for me when I took responsibility for my half of everything that happened and led to the divorce, stopped getting caught up in the drama, and wallowing in self-pity.
I think it's very important to give yourself time and space to grieve and live through all the pain, without trying to numb it with something or someone. It's hard, but in the end, you realize that TRUTH hurts nothing and nowhere. You are free.
The main idea that I took away from this experience is that if you are unhappy where you are, remember that every unhappy day of your life could have been a happy day of your life. It's a choice you make for yourself. Always.
